So, in the last few months, I've become more aware of that, and also aware of how I do it unconsciously too. I try my hardest not to do that and I am often reminded by friends and loved ones when I have done that. But, there are times in life that you do need to say sorry, and in the form of an apology. Often, because you need to do it in order to move past the hurt and the strong feeling of wanting to do right by yourself and the other person/people. A bit like that AA step.
I hurt a couple of very close friends, very badly, during my major relapse recently (which also saw me trying to take my life)... I was also hurt by their words and actions, and the lack of support during my time in that bad space, in which Depression (that insidious bitch) had her hold well and truly over me. However, I never ever want to use my mental illness as an excuse, because it shouldn't be. Not in this context. While I have realised that the friendship I had with them wasn't a true friendship, as it was more of a case of "being friends because we get the selfish benefits from it" and being used, in a way, and I wasn't getting any reciprocation from that... I still needed to apologise, for *that* time. So I did, and I also stated that this would be the last time I would make contact.
How do I feel now? I actually feel better. Strangely, it was weighing on me in the way that I felt that I hadn't been given the opportunity to be heard, to say sorry for my words and actions, and to finalise the end of the friendship. I feel relief. I feel... lighter. I may have been blocked and literally cut off, but I still did it. I'm proud of myself for having done that. The person/s may not appreciate it and may think I'm a weakass for apologising. But you know what? Fuck no. I'm no weakass. I think I'm incredibly strong for having done that. I've now walked away from that friendship a better person, one that is always in process. And while some say the best apology is "changed behaviour"... this is true. My behaviour during this time was incredibly horrible. I was somebody I don't know. Just like last June. It's like I have a demon inside me. But I'm not apologising for that demon. I'm apologising for the hurtful words I said, because I was coming from a place where I truly hated myself. And those words showed it. My apology was for those words.
It's said and done. Now I can work on making myself better again. Sometimes, you've just gotta do it.
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