It's something I've thought often about in the last several months - who am I? What am I? How would I describe myself?
I honestly don't know. I've discovered that there are many facets to myself. And so many grey areas.
With having completed (and only just!) a summer school paper in Foundation of Social Sciences, and learning the hard way on how to actually... introduce yourself... It's been something that's on my mind. Particularly as when I'm in a bad space, I seem to change into a completely different person. Her name is Depression. I have described her before. Maybe, one day, I will draw her. But when you're told that you're not the person they thought you were, and are, in fact, a pretty horrible person, this does lead you to wonder a few things.
So, when I'm "normal", this would be how I'd describe myself:
- Cisgender female (I do realise that the term cisgender isn't accepted by a lot of people, but right now, it's how I describe myself)
- Pansexual
- Polysexual, but I think, at times, I'd probably revert to "monogamish" within a relationship
- Open
- Honest
- A single parent of four fucking fantastic children
- Intelligent, mostly!
- Profoundly Deaf; note the capital D
- Bibliophile (we all knew this, anyway)
- NotquiteanartistbutIdomybest
- Social injustice activist (maybe?)
- Ally
- Let's Netflix and chill. Maybe at the same time...
- Nerd
Blahblah. But, when it comes to describing the not so savoury aspects of your own self? Hoo boy. I think we can all do this.
- Clingy
- I like honesty and I get mad when I don't get it
- Inequality
- Too much work
- Crazy as fuck
- I drink when I'm sliding downhill
- The above also makes me more honest and turns me into an asshole
- Apparently I am a bad person and not "Who I thought you were"
- I need, and want, someone who is there for me, because fuck it, I'm ALWAYS there for other people
- I ask for too much, though
- I have mental health problems, and most probably BPD
- I love sex
- Sometimes I mistake sex, or affection, for like/love
- Not confident at all
- Bows to peer/partner pressure
- I also smoke
- I yell at my kids
- I can be a lazy parent
That list can go on.
But it's me.
It's my turangawaewae. I don't want to ever have to apologise, yet again, why I'm being an asshole when I'm being one. I'm sick of it. Yes, change is the biggest apology, but let's just wait for me to first find somebody who can Frankenstein me - take my brain out, do their magic to fix it, and shove the damn thing back in. Then I'll be good to go. But essentially, when I'm being a total asshole, it is because I've been hurt, am hurting, and my brain has, once again, gone on fucking strike.
I'm about to embark on the next stage of my life - gaining a degree. A BA in Social Policy. And probably mental health as a minor. Check out the irony of that! Coming from somebody who tried to take their life not too long ago. But I sure as hell am going to do it. I'll fuck up royally along the way. But if there's anything I'm learning from all this....
I can fucking do it. And I will. For me, not for anybody else. Not to prove to everybody that I can actually do something. But to prove to ME that I can actually do something.
For we are our own worst critic.
Note: Check out my new FB page too, haha! It's called "What's This Crap called Life?"
I honestly don't know. I've discovered that there are many facets to myself. And so many grey areas.
With having completed (and only just!) a summer school paper in Foundation of Social Sciences, and learning the hard way on how to actually... introduce yourself... It's been something that's on my mind. Particularly as when I'm in a bad space, I seem to change into a completely different person. Her name is Depression. I have described her before. Maybe, one day, I will draw her. But when you're told that you're not the person they thought you were, and are, in fact, a pretty horrible person, this does lead you to wonder a few things.
So, when I'm "normal", this would be how I'd describe myself:
- Cisgender female (I do realise that the term cisgender isn't accepted by a lot of people, but right now, it's how I describe myself)
- Pansexual
- Polysexual, but I think, at times, I'd probably revert to "monogamish" within a relationship
- Open
- Honest
- A single parent of four fucking fantastic children
- Intelligent, mostly!
- Profoundly Deaf; note the capital D
- Bibliophile (we all knew this, anyway)
- NotquiteanartistbutIdomybest
- Social injustice activist (maybe?)
- Ally
- Let's Netflix and chill. Maybe at the same time...
- Nerd
Blahblah. But, when it comes to describing the not so savoury aspects of your own self? Hoo boy. I think we can all do this.
- Clingy
- I like honesty and I get mad when I don't get it
- Inequality
- Too much work
- Crazy as fuck
- I drink when I'm sliding downhill
- The above also makes me more honest and turns me into an asshole
- Apparently I am a bad person and not "Who I thought you were"
- I need, and want, someone who is there for me, because fuck it, I'm ALWAYS there for other people
- I ask for too much, though
- I have mental health problems, and most probably BPD
- I love sex
- Sometimes I mistake sex, or affection, for like/love
- Not confident at all
- Bows to peer/partner pressure
- I also smoke
- I yell at my kids
- I can be a lazy parent
That list can go on.
But it's me.
It's my turangawaewae. I don't want to ever have to apologise, yet again, why I'm being an asshole when I'm being one. I'm sick of it. Yes, change is the biggest apology, but let's just wait for me to first find somebody who can Frankenstein me - take my brain out, do their magic to fix it, and shove the damn thing back in. Then I'll be good to go. But essentially, when I'm being a total asshole, it is because I've been hurt, am hurting, and my brain has, once again, gone on fucking strike.
I'm about to embark on the next stage of my life - gaining a degree. A BA in Social Policy. And probably mental health as a minor. Check out the irony of that! Coming from somebody who tried to take their life not too long ago. But I sure as hell am going to do it. I'll fuck up royally along the way. But if there's anything I'm learning from all this....
I can fucking do it. And I will. For me, not for anybody else. Not to prove to everybody that I can actually do something. But to prove to ME that I can actually do something.
For we are our own worst critic.
Note: Check out my new FB page too, haha! It's called "What's This Crap called Life?"
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